Kokoro Koso Osame: To Learn the Ways of the Heart
by Open Casket Ceremony
Summary: [Songfic: Ryuuro] A brief oneshot on Ren reflecting back on his childhood, his life, and the new way he saw things, feeling he's finally learned the ways of the heart. And with that comes the decision to end it all. [HoroxRen]


Disclaimer: Don't own, never will, blah blah blah...

Done to the lyrics of _Ryuuro_ sung by Ren's very talented voice actress, Paku Romi. Obviously, for convinience's sake, the English translations are provided rather than the Japanese.

Enjoy.

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_A lonely, ruined time is arriving,  
Will you be ready to greet it?  
Everything will leave that depleted future;  
While going forward it may fall. _

My childhood. The whole lie I've lived all my life. I was abused both mentally and physically by my father, who I despise more than any other man alive. Even as a toddler, I was forced by him to train, to see deaths, to hate. And I did hate. I hated everyone and everything, and I wished I could be someone else instead of the stupid heir to the stupid Tao. That was what my future was like; depleted. I had nothing to live for but the restoration of the Tao family, the only reason I was brought into this cruel world.

_A calmed heart; a single sheet of paper at my feet.  
The left hand on the edge of a blade; the right hand in the mirror. _

Should I do it? It's not like anyone would miss me, anyone would care. Except maybe my father would throw a fit, because there's no one left to inherit the Tao throne. To make a girl the head of the family is an unspeakable sin in Chinese culture. So Jun wouldn't work either. Ha.

_The idle life has come to an end; my feelings are clear.  
Logic lives as a loom, weaving a dream into reality  
And leading us to the road to victory. _

So be it, I'll destroy the Tao with my own death. I'll die laughing. That will be my personal road to victory; no longer having to deal with my stupid family and my stupid life.

_The sorrows of yesterday are returning;  
The will of tomorrow must be caught.  
Wanting to give up your heart for a friend,  
To touch their life for a while;  
To learn the ways of the heart. _

But that would mean leaving him. Leaving my Horohoro, and never seeing him again. Is it really worth the gamble? I must say I have wanted to give him my heart...but I lack the emotion to do so. All I'd give him is a lump of stone-cold nothingness. It would hurt him. So I might as well not at all.

_The way in which you hope has changed;  
You can learn to truly see once you've been touched by the first rainfall. _

Yes, that was me...I'm thinking of the time I was trapped outside in the rain with nowhere to go. Horohoro saw me, and he helped me. He looked so ridicuous in a neon yellow rain coat and giant galoshes, carrying a ridiculously rainbow striped umbrella. In a metaphorical sense, the rain storm opened my eyes to how people can truly be good.

_Thinking in new ways means cutting straight to the truth.  
The moon reflects on water droplets, to see it you need to open your mind's eye. _

I've been thinking in a new way, like I never had before, recently. In the past, I was tricked by my old man into believing that people were slimy, traitorous creatures. But aren't we people ourselves? The only thing stepping us up a bit is our shamanic ability, but I'm pretty sure I'm a person. Cut me, I bleed. Break my heart, I'll cry. But people aren't all that bad. They can be kind and generous, just like Horohoro.

_The sorrows of yesterday are returning;  
The will of tomorrow must be caught.  
Wanting to give up your heart for a friend,  
To touch their life for a while;  
To learn the ways of the heart. _

Oh, screw it all. Even if I do care for him, it's not like he cares for me back. He's just another person watching as my life is torn apart by my father, my family, my future. He doesn't care. He never will. No one has and ever will. Why would he be any different?

_Thinking in new ways means cutting straight to the truth;  
The moon reflects on water droplets, but you must open your mind's eye to  
see it. _

See what? See how much of a fool I am? I've already seen that a hundred times over. But with all that put aside, I'll end it here.

_The sorrows of yesterday are returning;  
The will of tomorrow must be caught.  
Wanting to give up your heart for a friend,  
To touch their life for a while. _

A flood of memories, the sorrows from my childhood, and the ones I still suffer from even today. What's this? A tear. No. The great Tao Ren never cries...it can't be. It has to just be a drop of rain or something. Oh, what the heck. I'm about to die, so why not admit it? I'm crying, are you satisfied? There's no better time than now to just...let go.

_A lonely, ruined time surrounds us,  
Will you be waiting to greet it?  
Everything will leave that depleted future;  
While going forward it will fall.  
Towards the tranquil spirit._

The blade flickers across my wrist, a thin line of blood. Crimson liquid drips to the floor, followed by more tears. I don't feel any pain or regret. Everything is fading, including my last thoughts. Well, here I go, hopefully to somewhere I can put my spirit at ease; towards the tranquil spirit.


End file.
